I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
