So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
