it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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