I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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