Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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