I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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