no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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