Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
