He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Randomize
