I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
