Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
