I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
