Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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