i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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