just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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