You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
