the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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