I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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