If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
