soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
handjob tips. give me some.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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