spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
