and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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