when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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