im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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