Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
