My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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