I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
