can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Randomize
