So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
