I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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