my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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