at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
