I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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