You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize