how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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