just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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