So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
