Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
