you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
