break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
