I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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