Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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