Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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