rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
