You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
