I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize