my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
