Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
