i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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