i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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