need another drink. this is the easiest way
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I think I just sharted jello shots
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