i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
