I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
