There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
